Not such a great day...

The brace stays for another month. Angry, resentful, dissapointed.

It's really not such a big deal, I don't know why I'm so upset. Besides the fact that putting Avery in the awful brace is the worst part of my day, it's really not that bad. She doesn't know any difference because she's worn it for ten of her twelve weeks on earth. I know the difference and I truly hate it.

After our doc appointment today we went to the post office. They are always doing trainings there with students from the school for the blind down the street. Today there was a little girl, about ten years old, learning to find her way into the post office with the assistance of a guide. I felt so guilty seeing this. This girl won't experience a fraction of the things Avery will in her lifetime, and I feel like our life is a tragedy. I know most people with disabilities do not let it define them, if I learned anything from my last job it is that lesson alone! I also know that Avery's problems are only temporary and are treatable. Still, it feels very different when it's your child and their problems are out of your control. I can't do anything to speed this process up nor can I make it go away. It also makes me fearful to have another baby. So much can go wrong. I have not handled Avery's issues well, I don't think I could handle having a child with more complications.

I have no right to be so upset about this. Everything is going to be fine and she is a very happy girl. She may reach some of her developmental milestones a bit later than average, she has a closet full of wasted clothes that she will never wear, and she has to wear a grungy brace everyday. Other than that her life is awesome and I'm reassured of that every time she gives me a huge smile. If only mommy could have that outlook on life....working on it.

FAQ's

Here are my thoughts on a few FAQ's in my life:

1. Do you want to have more kids, when, and how many?
Yes, I do want to have another baby. As soon as we know where we will be for a little while I am ready to have another. At first I wanted to wait a few years, maybe until Avery was four or five. Now, I can see the benefit of getting through the baby stages without too much of a lag time in between. Also, I can see that Avery is changing and growing up so quickly, that I will be ready for another newborn just when she is reaching the point where she doesn't need me so much anymore!
That said, I only want to have one more baby. Whether it's a girl or boy, I think that will be it. Maybe if we have two girls, we'll feel differently and want to try for a boy but I think Kyle and I are in agreement that two will be better for us than three. It's not that I wouldn't want a house full of kids, but we have to be realistic. We'll be able to provide much better for two kids than with three. We want to be able to travel with them, send them to camps, send them to any college they want to attend, provide an enriching childhood (this doesn't mean brand new cars at 16!). Also, most likely our families are always going to be far away and airfare for four is better than airfare for five! Just being realistic.

2. Are you returning to work, do you think you will ever?
No and yes. No, I'm not working now. I quit. That's hard to say. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I went to school for a long time to get a degree that allowed me to do what I love. Despite loving my career, I knew in my heart that staying home with Avery was the right thing for our family. I think every mom and every family has to decide what's best for them when it comes to working arrangements and having a baby. When it came down to it, full time childcare would have been very costly. Sure, we probably would have come out slightly better off if I would have kept working but what I would have given up was time. I couldn't put a price tag on time. We've made a lot of sacrifices to live modestly so that I can stay home. I'm really lucky that Kyle supports me in this decision!
Yes, I do want to work again. I'd love to work part time once Avery and our next little one are in school. I want to have a career for my own professional fullfilment, and I think it's possible to do this part time. We'll see where our adventures take us, but this would be my ideal working mom situation down the road.

3. Do I like Austin?
If you asked me this six months ago I probably would have said not really. Now my answer is yes. It's not the same as Charleston or Davis. I love both of those places and hold the fondest memories in my heart for the time I spent in each of them. However, Austin is growing on me. I really love the people here, I love UT, I love UT sports. Things I don't love: traffic, no beach, lack of affordable great restaurants (most people in Austin won't agree with that statement, but they haven't lived in Charleston!), weather. So that's where I am now. If we end up staying in Austin for a while, I won't be sad.

4. Where would I ideally like to live?
This is a tough question and I never know how to answer it. From question 3 you can see that my favorite places have us split between coasts. Our families are split between coasts. If we end up on one coast or the other, one side of the family is always going to miss out. As it is, they both end up missing out. Maybe that's fair. I don't know. My answer right now is that I don't really care. I just want Kyle to get a job that makes him happy no matter where that is. In a way it will be easier if a job takes us somewhere rather than us having to choose between families. And hopefully they will like where we live so they can visit us too!

Things I'm hoping for...

Here is a list of things that I am hoping for in the next year. I realize some (most) of these things are out of my hands, but I still hope they work themselves out somehow :)

1. I hope Avery is a healthy baby and we spend less time at the doctor!
2. I hope Kyle gets a job that makes him happy after graduation.
3. I hope Texas wins a national championship in any sport, although it would be awesome if it was basketball!
4. I hope we move into a place with a backyard, a washer and dryer, and a dishwasher. I'm not saying it has to be a house that we own, just a place with those simple modern conveniences.
5. I hope Avery gets to see her grandparents, aunt, and uncles at least two more times before she is a year old.
6. I hope we get to see John Mayer in March :)
7. I hope we take at least one fun travel trip to someplace fun.
8. I hope to try one new recipe a week.

It's a short list but I'm sure I'll have more to add soon!

Making a commitment

When I look back on this past year so much has changed. Living in Austin, loved my job, moved apartments, had a baby. So the last one is obviously the huge life changer and has it ever been! Actually, Kyle and I had Avery twelve weeks ago this coming Monday which I can't believe has gone by so quickly. At the same time I can't really imagine life without her. Seriously, having a baby makes you think a lot about time, but I'll save that for another post.

So, looking forward in 2010 the possibilities are endless. Kyle graduates in May, we could be moving anywhere in the country! I'm staying home with Avery and wouldn't give up a second I get to spend with her for anything. It's tough to plan our life because so much is uncertain right now. In a way that is thrilling to me but also terrifying. I try not to think about the unknown and celebrate each day with joy!

The purpose of this blog is to have a place to record and share my life experiences and to hopefully stick with it. I know, one more online profile to keep up with, but this seems like more of an appropriate place to share things that are important to me rather than facebook. Call me crazy but I don't want every random "friend" that I added five years ago to know what I'm up to on a Wednesday evening! I love fb and will continue to use it, but I'm hoping this blog is a more personal medium for me to share tidbits of life. It will likely be boring to most, hopefully interesting to some. Please comment and ask thoughtful questions!

I want to start by sharing something that I wrote a few days after I had Avery, looking back on the delivery. (Keep in mind that my hormones were a bit out of whack!)

"I swear even up to the final push the whole thing is surreal to me. I don't think I truly believed I was having a baby until she was placed on my chest. Even through more than nine months of pregnancy, a huge belly, seeing contractions on the monitor, listening to her heart beat all night and day, and being coached to push didn't prepare me or even connect me with the concept of my own baby being placed in my arms. And the overwhelming feeling that she is all mine and the joy of celebrating this tiny life that is joined with me on life's journey took my breath away. At that moment she was perfect and I am now a mother. I sobbed for a good five minutes, happy sobbing like I've never done before and probably never will again."

10-26-09 at 5:48 pm ~~ Life is good :)

Here's to 2010, keeping commitments, being a better friend, daughter, and sister, loving mother, supportive wife, and being ready for everything else that is waiting for us!